


cold marble, summer storm

by amitye



Category: Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, First Time, M/M, Mild Kink, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Subdrop, Subspace, sane safe and consensual just really poorly handled
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:20:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24268855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amitye/pseuds/amitye
Summary: Jesper and Wylan's first time goes horribly wrong.
Relationships: Jesper Fahey/Wylan Van Eck
Comments: 2
Kudos: 52
Collections: Hurt Comfort Exchange 2020





	cold marble, summer storm

**Author's Note:**

  * For [within_a_dream](https://archiveofourown.org/users/within_a_dream/gifts).



Wylan stood in the hallway, humming to himself as he mechanically ran through the stretches Inej had given him to loosen his body and his nerves both, but had little success doing anything about the tight bubble of anxiety stuck in his throat.  
_Jesper is as excited and nervous as you are_ he tried to remind himself. There was no doubt he was equally excited, from his kisses, his lost, torrid glances, but until a while ago he'd have never imagined he would be as nervous. 

The Jesper he had met a while ago saw sex as a distraction and not even one of his favorites, hopping into beds as so many brightly lit casinos, and Wylan would have been too proud to show himself naked and vulnerable to that. But now things were different. Since Matthias’ funeral and the girls’ departure Jesper had been on edge all the time, the withdrawal had fucked him over far worse than expected and his hopes that regularly using his powers would improve things had faded in a few days of furious experimentation that left him so disappointed even the ten minutes of practice a day Nina had recommended drained him completely.  
No matter how hard he tried to be a good, attentive lover, he would lose focus after two minutes of conversation and sometimes, when they made out and got as far ripping each other’s shirts off, Jesper worried this was just an alternative distraction all over again and broke it off with some ill advised joke, shutting himself in the attic to shoot at old lamps until he could stop crying.  
He worried, a lot, but the bitter, spoiled little core within him was glad that he didn’t have to be the one who wasn’t sure he was ready. 

Still, things were starting to improve now, Jesper felt ready and he had no doubts everything would feel lovely and wonderful, that Jesper loved him as he was and thought only the best of him in every way, that he cared to please him and make him feel safe. He had to repeat it out loud sometimes, to remind himself, but that was his notoriously stupid brain messing with things. In his heart, he had no doubts.  
So he took a few very deep breaths and opened Jesper’s bedroom door.

He was sitting cross-legged at the edge of the bed, wrapped in a old peacock - blue robe patterned with lilac dragonflies that belonged to Wylan’s mother as a young bride (she had gifted it to him very eagerly, as she was a lovely, generous woman Wylan felt miraculously lucky to have gotten to know, as well as possessing basic aesthetic sense) crossed over his naked chest. He stood up when Wylan stepped in, smiling nervously, and kissed his hand, not on the knuckles like with ladies at a ball, but on the palm and then on his wrist, right,over his heartbeat.

He shivered and sighed at his touch, and it made Jesper smile. “You’re seriously a thirsty little merchling. I’ve been here all day wracking my brain on how to give you a good time and I barely have to touch you.”

He climbed in Jesper lap and scowled at him. “Well, don’t go wracking the old thing too much for my sake. I wouldn’t want to tire you out with such an unaccustomed effort.”

He stretched his head back and relaxed slowly as Jesper covered his neck with kisses, his fingers tugging gently at his hair to keep him in position. He lifted his hand to start to loosen up his robe, but let it fall down again. _We don’t want this to be all over soon, we can take this slow. Jesper needs to take it slow_

“You’re all red” Jesper chirped behind his ear. “You look like a bitchy strawberry. It’s cute.”

“Mh?” He pushed him down onto the bed and bent down to bite his lip with fiery indignation. It was true, absolutely true, he was so red he felt at seconds from sparks going out his ears, and yet he didn’t feel flustered at all. Jesper started undressing him when they were lying on their side, on in front of the other, and his fingers felt barely warm and soft as satin against his chest, and he felt a deep sense of calm flow through him, settling in the pit of his stomach.  
He reached out to undo Jesper’s belt for good this time, but kept his eyes closed for a few seconds to take in the scent of his bare skin and his breath on his lips, savoring the moment as long as possible.  
Jesper’s eyes were horrifyingly tender and lewd when he finally met them, so much Wylan almost could see his own reflection in the depths of them - beautiful, worthy of admiration, the kind no inferior mirror would ever give back to him. His arms still held some muscle from his farm boy youth, but his chest was as lean and graceful as dancer’s, a Suli acrobat’s.  
He run his thumb across the line of his collarbone and giggled, tilting his head up for a kiss.

Jesper kissed his lips and then both his eyelids, stealing him a pleased whimper, then he got up on his knees, his face growing calm and serious in a way that left Wylan’s stomach so knotted up he didn’t know if he would be able to get up if needed. Under half-closed eyelids he watched him carefully pick up their clothes, fold them and put them on his desk. There was a tension in his muscles, like he was trying very hard to go slow, seemingly for no reason than to rile Wylan up, and he started to think of which conspicuous places he would deserve to be bruised for this offense, a smile drifting on his face. Jesper was fiddling in the drawer now, and when he turned around he held out two sets of iron clasps to him.

He frowned. “Well? Have you gotten my expectations all up just to show off your metalwork?”

It didn’t actually seem to him they were Jesper’s doing - he would not say it to his sweet, enthusiastic face, but he was nowhere near getting such perfectly even chain links.  
He smiled at him, a bit flustered. “No, this is… well, I had you waiting for quite a bit of time, poor little virgin merchling, I really needed to get my shit together, I know you’re not mad, don’t say anything, really, I know, I wanted to make up for it with something really special, and there’s this trick I heard from Anika… well, I was always curious and I can’t try on just anyone, what kind of pervert would I seem if I suggested it to some poor college girl, they'd think I just want to tie them up and rob them, I wouldn’t trust anyone in the Barrel to tie me up and anyway you just don’t sleep with people you work with, even I have the sense for that, and I thought, you’re always so touchy, I wondered-”

“Jesper” he said, squinting up at him. “Stop. You’re doing great.”

Jesper straightened up, bouncing his leg. “I know one must consider it’s better to not risk too much when it’s your first time and I’m really overdue to give you the good time you deserve, but then I thought, Wylan is a creative soul-”

“Alright, alright”  
He burst out laughing, tilting his head to take in the full wonder of Jesper’s bright, nervous smile and sparkling eyes. “That convinces me. You can tie me up like the rascal you are.”

“Tie you up?” Jesper bit his lip. “I thought you’d enjoy tying me up better. Since, you know. You couldn’t stop fondling me if I set fire to the house. Wylan Greedyhands-”

“It most definitely counts as torture to tie you up, Jez” he giggled. There was a flash of something in his eyes - worry, disappointment? He was so much better at picking out good feelings than bad, even though he should be more experienced by now. Maybe he wanted this badly - maybe it was something of a challenge, to try to improve, see if he could lie reasonably still the entire time - but what did Wylan care if he was jumpy or clingy or drifted off at strange moments? He just wanted him to not feel like a failure again, to know he was loved just as he was. And - his heart squeezed for a moment - kneeling on the floor to look up to someone sitting unmoving over him, naked but untouched, ignored, trembling from the cold marble against his bare skin, this wasn’t the room, but it was close enough, it would never be far enough -

“Please, just tie me up.”

He rolled his eyes and pouted, hoping it would hide the little trembling in his voice. Jesper looked at him in puzzlement for a moment, then shrugged. “Well, you always surprise me.”

There it was, the excitement in his voice again, with touch of fondness like a edge of gold into yellow paint.  
He closed his eyes, savoring it as he held out his wrist. Jesper did that accursed kiss-right-over-the-pulse thing again and gently positioned him against the headboard. He tied him fairly loosely, such that he could stretch his arms and choose whether to sit or lie down, and he felt a little underwhelmed - was this really the hardest challenge he thought he could take?  
He sighed as Jesper knelt over him and gently traced the lines of his face, finishing with a feathery kiss behind his ear.

“Next time I could blindfold you too” he suggested with a sultry whisper, and Wylan suppressed a shiver, biting his lip. _What’s that glum face? You know your hands are good for one thing only. Pity we can’t find some equally useful employment for your eyes_

“I veto it” he managed to say. “You’re much too pretty for that. Now get down to business.”  
He obliged, with a laugh that felt like purer music than any violin or flute he had ever heard - like a cascade of silver bells.

The first thing he noticed was the warmth of Jesper’s body on his. He had already embraced him when they were both more or less undressed, it shouldn’t be much different, but it was suffocating, almost liquid. He liked it.  
He wound his legs tight around Jesper’s waist to draw him closer, drawing out more lovely, excited sounds from his lips. He slapped the soft part of his thigh and made him jump and squeal, and then his hands were everywhere at once. He would have giggled and compared him to an octopus, if he could talk, but he found it hard. Keeping his eyes open was hard too, which was silly considering he had insisted too much on not being blindfolded, but it was - it was silly to say out loud, maybe a drawing would explain it better, but it was like standing under pouring summer rain, every hot pinch and caress coming in a different place, too quickly to breathe between one and the other but slow enough he could tell each apart. 

“Wyl?” Jesper called him while he was floating into that bliss.

He blinked slowly. “Mh?”

“Wyl, are you with me?”

His mouth felt very dry and he struggled a little to say “yes”.

Jesper frowned, a little concerned. “It’s very important you stay very present the whole time for this, or I could really hurt you.”

_And you wanted to be the one tied up?_ he thought, giggling, but it was too long a sentence to said out loud and, anyway, he had to remember that was too mean to say now, that Jesper was sensitive, that he was doing so much for him and he loved him so much, he shouldn’t upset him.  
“Completely present.” He slurred instead. “Loving this. I love you.”

Jesper smiled, nuzzling against his neck. “I love you too. You’re so wonderful, so sweet.”

He said something else too, all lovely, the kind of things he had never heard before, but at some point his lips were around his nipple and his hand between his legs and he didn’t hear anything anymore.  
His sight was clouded over too, such that he could see Jesper move over him as a blurry outline, slowed down and strangely far although he could feel his warmth close - he was reduced to pure touch.  
He had only one coherent thought, and it was that he had never felt anything like this before. He didn’t need to think of anything else, just that would be enough.

To be fair, his father had called him pretty sometimes - out of pure spite, bemoaning he hadn’t been born a girl who would need porcelain cheeks and copper hair more than the skill to read and write - and even sweet, in the way other merchants would talk about the younger girls of the Barrel brothels, but not his father, never - he was not a lustful man, he never went to brothels. His night visits were an exercise of pure degradation. He only sat with a smug, bored look on his face as Wylan worked - always with his hands, even if it took him as long as half a hour sometimes, never with his mouth, his mouth had never been faulty or useless in any way - and sometimes he’d say those things, but he never fondled him, never hit him, at least in those circumstances, never even required him to take off his clothes on the rare nights where it was too cold to sleep without a nightshirt.  
He was not ruined for touch, his skin belonged to Jesper alone. 

There had been the time, of course, when he’d found his drawing-  
He was jolted by the sharp bone of Jesper’s hip hitting insistently against his and then a stabbing pain and Jesper was inside him - he’d found his drawing of the music teacher’s arms when he rolled his sleeves and how he imagined his chest was, he ripped Wylan from his bed and shoved it into his face-  
He arched his back and wanted to cry out Jesper’s name, but all that came out was a string of little high pitched _oh_. He tried his best to follow his movements, the beautiful snakelike curving of his body, but his muscles felt as soft as whipped cream.  
This was nothing like - his father had pushed him to the floor and become red with yelling, slamming his head down so hard he bled and spreading his legs out to teach him-

This was nothing like that. Jesper was softly nibbling him _somewhere_ , he didn’t have enough sensation to figure out if it was his neck, his arm or his ass, but it was lovely and there was absolutely no reason why being fucked on the cold floor until he cried for mercy and then left there weeping should for the rest of his life ruin kisses, caresses and lovemaking with, as the world very clearly stated, someone who loved him and adored him and had promised to always help him and keep him safe. He loved this. This was lovely.  
He tried to show his appreciation again - Jesper, so simple, six simple letters even for someone with the brains of a five year old - and he managed to make a sort of je-sound before the word turned into a moan and soon he was crying out hysterically. Jesper whispered something in his ear, but he couldn’t focus on his face no matter how hard he tried and there was a drop of blood trickling down his shaking arm. He stopped breathing when it fell on his temple. 

***

He was stretched out on the couch with his feet raised up over the armrest, a quilt thrown over his nakedness. For some reason, his first thought was being really, _really_ glad that his mother was in town with Mrs Ghafa for the day. He closed his eyes, flinching at the beginning of migraine squeezing at his temples, and reached instinctively for Jesper. He didn’t find him, mostly because he realized then he was already holding his other hand, softly calling his name.

“I’m here” he mumbled, but all that came of it was a prolonged mhhh. He forced himself to open his eyes and stare directly at him, hoping that would communicate a little more, though the light hurt him and he had to squint a little. Jesper smiled, although there was such a deep sadness in his eyes he felt cold to the bone.

“Oh, Wyl. How are you doing?”  
He shrugged, closing his eyes again. His heart had a funny little twirl when Jesper took the hint and shut down the blinds, leaving only dim candlelight. He took his hand again, pressing it to his lips. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart, this was a disaster. This must be the worst sex anyone has ever had, isn’t it? I fucked it up so badly. I’m so sorry I hurt you, I really tried to be careful, I tried, but - look, you’re bleeding too.” He ran his finger over his wrist. “I’m so sorry.” 

He was trembling a little, sniffling against Wylan’s palm. He licked his lips and managed to get together a coherent sentence. “Mh- maybe let’s just use a handkerchief or something next time.”

Jesper sighed. “Of course. Sankts know I will.”  
He left the room for a moment, leaving him pathetically tense and nervous, and came back with a small jar and a cloth. He spread a cool salve on his wrists and massaged them, making him sigh with pleasure. He lifted the blanket a little, he assumed to do the same with the impressive collection of bruises on his neck and chest, but he stiffened up a little and Jesper covered him back up again, sighing.  
“What happened? ” he asked, guilty and embarrassed. “Did I pass out in the middle of it? That’s… something.”

Jesper took a deep breath and sat down on the floor next to him, still caressing his hand.  
“I’m not sure. You freaked out really badly, your eyes almost rolled back in your head and you just started crying and gasping - begging me to stop too, even after I stopped.”

“You probably imagined that part” he tried, but Jesper didn’t seem to really hear him.

“I brought you down here so you could breathe a little, change scenery and all, but you checked out for good when I put you on the couch. I tried to talk to you, but you were only responding half the time. I was so scared.” He bit his lip. “Are you okay? I just don’t understand what went wrong. Did I hurt you? It looked like you were enjoying it, but whatever you need me to do, I-”

“I’m fine. I just feel a bit-” he didn’t know how to put it. Tired? Weird? It seemed all very obviously euphemistic, but he didn’t really feel scared or sad either. Luckily Jesper was already talking again.

“I’m going to make you some hot chocolate, it will help. Do you want me to leave you alone, to hold you or to just stay here?”

He swallowed. “Hold me. Tight.”  
“That’s perfect. I’ll do whatever you need me to, of course, but holding is great.” He kissed the top of his head, pushing a few stray curls away. “Does… are you hurting? I really tried to be gentle, but - well, if you’re in pain I can wrap up some ice for you.”

“No, nothing hurts at all” he said, a bit too fast before realizing that would have been a perfect excuse to just write everything off as him being just a wimpy little virgin and maybe, maybe even making Jesper laugh. Too bad, he wasn’t going to retreat. He didn’t want anything keeping him away from Jesper’s arms even a minute longer. “Also, you’re allowed to say “ass”, seriously.”

Jesper gave him a shaky little smile and went off to the kitchen to get him chocolate. He handed him the cup and then took a step back, studying the situation. In the end, he opted to sit down against the armrest, pulling Wylan in his lap so he was half lying, half sitting between his legs, and wrapped his arms around his stomach, nuzzling his face into his hair. It made Wylan feel extremely small, and for a few moments he thought he’d have preferred literally any other position at all, but soon he started to take in his warmth and the tender, protective feeling of his arms around him and he felt much better. 

He sipped his chocolate and turned a little to lean his head against Jesper’s chest, relaxing to the rhythm of his heart.  
Jesper held him for a long while and he could feel his marksman's eyes pointed sharply at him, watching like a hawk for any movement or reaction, but eventually he was convinced he was fine and relaxed a bit, lazily stroking his hair. Wylan let out a contented sigh and closed his eyes, pleased with the fruits of his successful lie. 

Then he must have drifted off to sleep for a few minutes, because suddenly he could feel Jesper's cheek wet against his and his whole body shaking with unrestrained sobs.  
He looked up, disheartened, a sinking weight in his chest.  
"Jez" he whimpered "Stop this, please, I'm fine."

"I'm sorry."  
Jesper buried his face in his hands as Wylan repositioned himself so he could more easily look into his eyes. "I'm making this all about myself as usual, am I not? But I just can't stop thinking… I- I was so scared, Wylan. I keep thinking of how you fell over and broke down back then. I tried to calm you down, but touching you was worse than with Kaz, it made everything worse. You looked so scared and hurt and I keep asking myself… Where did it get wrong? I know you were enjoying it at first, but it was such a stupid idea to involve you in this kind of game on your first time, and then how could it get so bad? I really tried to pay attention, but I must have missed some sign and pushed you too far. I'm so sorry."

"Stop, just stop." He repeated. The sight of Jesper crying was hard to bear. "This was nice. Next time we'll just not bother with chains and whatnot and have a better time. Maybe I'll be on top, too. That's probably better." "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I shouldn't be upsetting you any further, but… It's not just this, Wyl. When I moved here I said I was going to help you and support you, and all I've done since is hurting you. I thought when I solved my problems with my powers everything would be fixed, but it's been months and what do you have? A reckless idiot who can't even make love to you without almost killing you. I love you so much and I don't want to leave, but you really deserve someone who can take better care of you than this." 

He was still trying to speak, but it was impossible to understand it under the sobs. Wylan reached out timidly to wipe his cheeks, his hands trembling when he touched him. "Jez, please, don't do this. You know it can't be fully your fault, right? What mistake have you made that could send me into that kind of fit? It's obvious there's something else." He swallowed, steeling himself.  
"Would… Would it help if I told you why this all happened and why it's not your fault? To… Forgive yourself and all that?" 

Jesper looked down, alarmed, squeezing his hand. "Yes! Why? What's wrong?"

He dropped his head, taking several deep breaths, trying in vain to ignore the pit of dread in his stomach. "I… I don't know if I can really do it."

It was such a struggle to put each word out, and he didn't know why. Was he scared Jesper would judge him for it? Jesper thought he was the most precious flower to grace this earth, he would never see any of his blame. That he would pity him? There was hardly anything new he could pity him for here, the gist was always the same.  
He forced himself to talk. 

"First of all, I want you to tell you it only ever happened once. I had some little chores to do at night once in a while, the only useful thing I could do, but something like this only happened once."

He looked down, avoiding the rising panic in Jesper's eyes. "It happened when I was thirteen, I was just barely starting to figure out anything at all about love, and I had a crush on my music teacher. Stupid cliche, I know. I had a diary I was supposed to practice writing on, but really it was a sketchbook, and I would make these little drawings when he wasn't looking. One night, my father found it." He sighed, clinging onto Jesper's arm for strength. "He didn't mind that I liked boys, I think, but he was furious I was leaving evidence where people could find it. He came into my room, yelling that he already had enough shame to hide, and that he had expected someone with the mind of a five year old would at least be free from scandals. He told me I disappointed him.  
He ripped me from my bed and almost made me eat the bloody drawing, then he threw me on the ground and he… Taught me the lesson. It hurt terribly, and I hurt my head when he pushed me down, and I ended up lying there all night crying. "

This was the moment to raise his head, to face Jesper's eyes, but he didn't have the strength. "Well, this is all. I imagine when you were inside me my mind went in the wrong direction and I panicked. It happens sometimes. At least you can see the fault here is mine alone and you did nothing wrong."  
He was starting to feel a bit nauseous, and he bent down with his head between his legs to stabilize himself, like Jesper had thought him, grateful for the excuse to avoid his eyes. He just had to keep breathing until this conversation was over. That couldn't be so hard. 

"Wylan…"  
Jesper touched his cheek, a fluttery butterfly touch he could barely feel, but it made him shiver. His voice was soft and definitely pitiful. "How is this your fault?"

He swallowed bile, shaking his head. "It's not your fault, that's what matters here. I was already being punished every possible way, I was such a daft reckless child that was the only way I was going to learn, some discretion, I guess. There's no point talking about it."

Jesper lifted his chin and he caught a glimpse of the lost, terrified look in his eyes before he angrily squeezed his own shut again."That's what your father told you. It's not true. This isn't your fault at all."

He cupped his cheeks and kissed the tip of his nose and gently wrapped an arm around Wylan's shoulders, pulling him to lean against him again.  
"Why didn't you tell me?" he whispered "I would have killed him. Whatever Kaz's plan said."

Wylan shrugged in a brusque, angry snap of his arms. "What use would that be? You'd be in jail too, that's all."

_What an asshole you're being._ If he was a better person, he would like this, it would make him feel loved. Warm, protected. He felt like there was only cynicism left into him, that all the love had been sucked from his heart. It felt as hard as a stone in his chest, as heavy as if it was just going to fall out and he was struggling to breathe again.  
He grabbed Jesper's shoulders and forced himself to press his body against his and feel good about it, to feel that warmth and softness again, and Jesper took the hint and wrapped his arms around him, pressing him tighter than before to ground him and steady him, but he still could not look in his eyes, no matter how hard he tried. 

He dropped his head on his shoulder and screamed, a disgusting, shrill sound that left him hoarse and gasping for air.<è/> "Go on, go on. Cry if you need it. I'm here with you. I know there's nothing I can say to make this better, but I'm here with you as long as you need me." Jesper was whispering in his ear, stroking his hair in a soothing circling movement.

"I don't want to cry" he complained, sounding absolutely like a daft reckless child, burying his face so hard into Jesper's neck his voice felt muffled. "I'm angry. I'm so angry all the time, Jesper, I thought that bastard couldn't make me feel anything anymore, but how is it fair that because he did this to me _once_ I can't…we can't… Everything has to hurt so much,I thought he'd be different, with someone who really loved me and all, but it wasn't, I tried but I wasn't strong enough. He ruined everything for me, he ruined _love_ for me, and it's just not fair." 

Then, like the crowning glory of his humiliation, he burst into tears, clinging helplessly to Jesper's arms and sobbing into his chest. There was more to say, he knew - apologies for being like this or at least reassurance, but all that came out was" it's not fair"

"Wyl" Jesper said. "Look at me, please."

He tried, biting his lip and pushing himself up. Jesper cupped his cheek to support him and held his other hand against his chest and started counting slowly, focused on his eyes. Wylan tried to follow him for a while, to bring his breath to a reasonable rhythm again, but at some point he jumbled it up and got so dizzy Jesper gave up and laid him down again. Then he loosened his hold on him and traced the lines of his face with a soft, feathery touch. Wylan tried to focus on it and had a little bit more success, though he couldn't stop shaking. 

"I shouldn't have made you tell me this" he mumbled, defeated.

He snorted, sounding much more like a choking duck than anything near laughter. "You think?"

That was such a cruel thing to say. He had been the one to insist, and making Jesper feel better was a poor excuse for a reason - if he really cared for that he'd have made up some excuse that wouldn't have upset him further. He was such a terrible excuse for a lover, a friend, a son, anything at all. "I'm sorry" he whimpered "I'm the one who ruined everything, this was supposed to be a good time for us and not for you to have any more of my burdens, I'm so so sorry-" 

"No, no, don't even try." Jesper's fingers brushed against his lips. "You have nothing to apologize for. It went as well as it could go."

_"What"_ He half-opened his eyes, staring at Jesper in skepticism.

Jesper licked his lips, shakily stroking his cheek. "Well, now… Now I'm not sure how to say it." His fingers knitted nervously in his hair. "Wyl, the point is you tried. You were brave enough to try, and you were brave enough to tell me the truth and trust me. How can he have ruined love for you when you do these things out of love?" 

Wylan sniffled, leaning into his touch. This was so romantic and fanciful and definitely not going to prove true in the cold hard world and he was a daft child to believe it, but he needed it so much.

"I don't know what to do to help you," Jesper was going on "I guess we'll need to go very slow and figure things out. But when I promised I was going to help you and take care of you, and for once I'm going to fucking do it, mh?"

"Not too slow" he pleaded, his breath hitching. "There was a moment, before everything went wrong where it felt so good and I felt like we were the only two people in the world and it didn't matter. Like I could never be hurt again because I had you. I want that again, no matter how much I need to suffer before we get it right" 

"That's alright." Jesper kissed his temple, giggling against his skin. "But are you going to let me try not to hurt you? Or are you going to act like everything is fine always and forever and you never once need me so you don't upset me?"

He wanted to laugh, and he wanted to tell him he loved him and he also wanted to cry on his shoulder for a good hour more. He had been raised to disappear in the shadows, to never be a bother because that was the best that was ever going to be said about him, to not upset anyone. He wasn't sure he could upset the first person he ever met who never deserved any hurt or sadness, who had ever tried to return his efforts. He steeled himself, but his voice still came out a fragile whimper. "I'm going to try my best. For now, just shut up and hold me."

He did, gathering him into his arms like he weighed nothing at all, his head leaning against his heart, warm fingers drawing idly on his bare shoulders.  
It was only reassuring in the moment, it didn't guarantee that Jesper would not get sick of his burdens or worse, keep shouldering them until he was burnt out and broken, but it was comforting that this at least, most emphatically, was not ruined for him at all.


End file.
